Me or the dog?!

Had an audition a couple of months back for a quite a major channel 4 project, there are some big names attached, it’s a wonderful script and its with one of the top casting directors. Well I get called in to audition for a nice role. It’s a four-part series and I am to appear in two of the episodes. I read the script and love it and my part and learn my lines immediately. The role requires a certain amount of beauty but also youth, so this means minimal make up. When I wake up that morning my skin has decided to show me up and is not in the best of states. So I have to do my best to conceal the blemishes without looking like I have any make up on. This proves impossible, I clearly need to buy new make up as the stuff I have is making me look orange and I begin to resemble that character from the film Mask, Cher’s son. Alas there is no time and I just have to pray the lighting is good. I arrive and sit in the back room. The audition is taking place at the casting director’s house. Unfortunately I have already noticed the camera and its position; day light is the worst for when you want to “blend in”. But I have to forget about that, it’s my performance that counts. I’m beginning to get a little nervous now, the longer you wait the more times you go over the lines, and the more times you go over the lines the less meaning they have. Once I have worked myself into a good enough state, the assistant comes through with the dog. Very sweet assistant and lovely dog that is quite hyper. Anyway the assistant says “right lets put you in the garden” so I jump up all eager and bright-eyed and say ok!! Of course he wasn’t referring to me he obviously meant the dog. Why on earth would they put me out in the garden?!?!? Although at this point that doesn’t seem like such a bad idea as I flush with embarrassment at my ridiculous error. I watch the dog bound outside playing and happy and think lucky bugger. Then we get down to the filming and one of the producers is there too. The camera is very close and so are they, and I am very aware of my heavily made up face and my obvious blemish. I do the scene well and leave but my gut feeling is not good. When I speak to my agent a couple of days later I am told it is down to me and one other girl and the director just can’t make his mind up. He goes back and forth between our tapes and in the end I lose out. I can’t be certain what the reason was but I’m sure my face didn’t help matters. I am really disappointed, in fact quite depressed. This could have been another big break for me and I desperately wanted the role. I try to forget about it and focus on other things but it’s hard. Anyway a few days ago I get a call from my agent saying that they liked me so much they want me in the series but all they have to offer is a tiny role, one scene, and one line. I take it. Yes it does sound like a glorified extra but ………………. so I take it and look at the positives. I’m involved in a great project which is going to get lots of attention, I’m going to work with another director and meet more producers and above all it shows that I am eager and willing to be involved with as much as I can. So large or small, a part is a part and at least I’ll get to do some acting….I have a discussion with my boyfriend about this when I get home and I can tell he doesn’t think I should have accepted the part, he asks me why I did. He tells me I did that HBO series, I worked with that great director, I get fan mail, why would I do such a tiny role. And I agree with him, with all that he says, and then I remember why I took it and why I will continue to take these roles and that’s because if I allowed myself to think that I should be doing better things, that I should be getting bigger roles or that I should have “made it” already, then I may as well give up now.  I’m certain I still have a long way to go and giving into these feelings of rejection and disappointing will only make the journey far too difficult.   A well-known actor once said he was a ten-year over night success, well it’s not quite ten years for me yet so I guess I still have some dreaming to do.


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