Dear Santa

This will probably be my last entry of 2011 and I want to end on a positive. The last week has been a little tough and I didn’t want to post until I got out of my slump, which I always do one way or another.

I found out that I didn’t land the film role, which I think I already knew but when you wait to hear back you can’t help but hold out hope. Personally I am surprised at the choice; I don’t think the actress is right for the role. She is a great actress and I like her work but I just can’t see her in this part. Maybe it’s because I felt it was so right for me and she is very different to me that it has thrown me. When you go up for a role which is so close to you in “real life” when you don’t get it, it can be soul destroying. After all who else can play yourself better than you? In this case this woman apparently! Anyway after the initial anguish and disappointment I have once again pulled through.

The recording for the HBO show went really well. Bless my BF we spent pretty much the whole night doing it but it was definitely worth it and as he loves the show as much as I do I think he was quite excited to do it.

It’s my last day at my “day job” today, at least for this year and I am off back to my parents this afternoon so my body is already starting to relax and my mind to unwind. The year has been tough but I have survived! I have had work, albeit briefly and I have met casting directors that I hadn’t met before. I think I have settled in to my new agency now and so I am ready to hit 2012 running. I do hear nearly every December that next year will be my year but I am going to say that next year really is. I turn 30 then (sob sob) so this blog will need to change, I will no longer be on the right side of 30!? My aim has always been to “make it” by the time I’m 30 and so it shall be!

I had a message recently on twitter by a lovely girl who asked me how I do it. How do I keep going when it seems nothing goes right? And well I guess I just do. There is no secret or formula it’s just life and you deal with it. I am lucky enough to be able to follow my dream, it doesn’t always go the way I want it to but I’m still doing it. Giving up is not an option cos what then? I have a great life, my work is not easy and I certainly don’t look forward to getting on the tube to go to my city job everyday but it could be so much worse! I have the support of friends and family (and lovely strangers on twitter!) and I know it will pay off. One day this blog will be turned into a book and sell millions….. at least that’s one of the things on my list to Santa and he nearly always delivers.

Merry Crimbo everybody and here is to an amazing 2012 x

Ho Ho No?

Well it’s nearly crimbo and the break couldn’t come quick enough, I literally feel like I am running on added time. I am, for want of a better phrase, so over 2011. Although the year has been exciting with new agent and exotic work placement it has been slow and a little disappointing.

I think I just got far too excited and complacent about what was going to happen. I though this year would be the year when I could finally throw in the day job. Which right now I think has the potential to send me loopy, the point when I might actually hurt someone – to be more specific my boss.

 I felt I had served my time, put in the hard graft to make me worthy of a career but alas it would appear that I am not there yet. I have not really got an outlet to vent either at the moment. It seems like some people’s patience has run out with regard to listening so I am forced to pour out my  frustrations on here. I would go and see someone but that requires money, which requires work and these are two things I don’t have right now. To clarify the office job doesn’t count as work, it’s more a form of torture.

 Anyway.. I have an exciting audition coming up for another HBO show. Not one I have auditioned for before, and honestly not one that I thought I ever would but I LOVE the programme, and although I don’t think I am right for the character it’s still an opportunity to be seen by them which is amazing. It would mean 9 months filming in New York so pretty much all of next year in work and out of the country. I cannot explain to you how perfect that would be, however I know this role is not for me but they could potentially see me for something else so fingers crossed.

 I am still waiting to hear back on the film audition I had a few weeks ago which has had some cast announcements already and its much bigger than I thought it was. The names attached mean this would have a huge cinema release so would be a big break for me. My agent is still optimistic but I can’t help but think I would know by now if it was good news.

 So as you can tell I am not feeling too positive right now. But I think that’s ok. I am allowed to feel like this every now and again. This is a hard profession, the term emotional roller-coaster is never more apt when it comes to acting. The problem comes when you try to repress it and then it all builds up and comes out in one almighty explosion and that’s not something I want to experience thank you very much.

 I am looking forward to a Christmas break of eating and drinking too much, being with loved ones and most importantly presents!! No just kidding… I won’t eat too much, I’m an actress after all and we’re not allowed to do that.

Go on holiday now, there is nothing going on anyway….

I have had quite a good few weeks, it seems the jobs and auditions have suddenly flooded in.

I was up in the north of the country for a couple of days last week, filming a short scene on a kids show. This was a favour really to the producer as I have worked with him before. I got the impression someone had dropped out or was no longer available at the last-minute and they needed someone quickly. It was definitely done for the money. I did find it hard though. It felt like a step backwards. I couldn’t help but think “what am I doing here” and when some of the crew and cast asked whether I had worked for HBO before I was tempted to lie. I couldn’t have of course as they clearly knew I had otherwise why ask? But from their responses I knew they were also thinking “why are you doing this” But you know it’s Christmas there are parties to go to and presents to buy and I need the cash.

On Monday I got asked to attend a script reading. It was for quite a big American show and often when it comes to read through’s the cast don’t attend. They already have the part and it can be too time consuming so they ask actors to fill in and read on their behalf. This is a good opportunity to meet producers and directors etc. and can also be like an audition for any parts that haven’t been cast. And it is also paid so again a nice little bit of spending money before crimbo.

I have also had some exciting auditions. Mainly for a feature film, shooting for three months Jan to Feb in a nice part of England. It’s a big project and the part I went for is small enough for a relatively unknown like myself to play but also big enough to be remembered for. So it would be perfect. There is some nudity in it but compared to what I did for HBO its nothing!! The first audition went really well, the casting director clearly liked me and I was certain I would be called back. I was and this time it was with the director. Alas this did not go as well. It wasn’t that I did anything any different it would just appear that the CD liked what I was doing more than the director. It has been nearly two weeks now and I still haven’t heard. However as it is a recall we will hear either way, so I suspect that it’s a case of the CD trying to convince the director I am right. It’s so difficult not to get your hopes up, as I have said many times before, but the longer the wait the less hopeful I become. Who knows, fingers crossed.

I would usually say it will be quiet now on the lead up to crimbo but it seems I have been busier lately than I have all year so will not jinx it by saying too much. Perhaps all the “young” actresses out there have already headed off to start their festivities, either way let the good times roll!

Patience is definitely a virtue

It’s been an interesting October, consisting of travel, lots of “firsts” and finally “knowing” some people.

 Firstly I went away for the weekend to warmer climes and appeared in a short film. It was with a company I worked with two years ago and stayed in touch with. This was a new challenge for me as it was a short film in a foreign language. The character I was playing was English – funnily enough – but would be speaking in this particular language… at least that was the plan.

 Now I would like to say I spent three weeks practicing – that’s how long I had the script for – but that would be a big fat lie. I procrastinated, big time! I do have a habit of this when it comes to lines, but only because I tend to pick them up quite quickly and I always want to avoid the over rehearsed! I needn’t have worried about that. It was not a language I had studied at school, and apart from the usual hello, good-bye, can I have a drink please? I knew nothing! So when I finally got round to learning them I struggled!

 By the time of the filming however I thought I had it pretty much down. Mmmm, this apparently wasn’t quite the case. My pronunciation was off. So they decided to film it more like line for line and I would be aided by the crew before each take. This however did not work either, because now I sounded too perfect, not an English girl speaking in a foreign language. So in the end the majority of the piece was done in English. I personally think this was better any way and to quote Jessica Alba “Good actors, never use the script unless it’s amazing writing. All the good actors I’ve worked with, they all say whatever they want to say.” I think I have made my point

 Also a first was bringing my boyfriend along. As it was going to be nice and hot and I wouldn’t be working all weekend I thought it would be a good idea if he accompanied me. He also came on set. The best way I could describe that experience would be like having a kid in a car on a long journey. They get bored, hungry, and fidgety and constantly ask “are we there yet”, except he was asking “are you finished yet?” A lot of acting involves waiting! Waiting for makeup, hair, camera set up, lights, director notes…. and many more variables. I was actually filming for around 30 mins and I think we were there for about 7 hours so to be fair it was a long day for him but I think we both learned a valuable lesson!

 Coming up I will be recording for a cartoon. I am extremely excited about this as it is not something I have done before, the script is fantastic and it was written by one of my closest friends. Now I  like to think I would have gotten the part anyway but that would not be realistic so for the first time it was really a case of knowing the right people! Now don’t get me wrong I am going to do a good job, this guy would not jeopardise his project for a favour but still I am very grateful to him. I think the show is going to be a hit. He has some big names attached and there is a huge gap for a show like this over here. I do my first recording tonight; it’s not for a main character but for some smaller extra parts.  I am hoping if it goes well this may be something I get asked to do again. My boyfriend asked me if he could come and watch, I said no.

I will also be shooting a music video at the end of the month for a new artist and her first track and, she is another close friend. The song is really good and the concept for the video sounds cool so it seems all my “connections” are arising at once!

 After a fairly slow September this is a lovely boost as we approach the end of the year, a programme I filmed in June is also airing soon so hopefully that will bring some interest too. So to conclude, lessons have been learnt and spirits are running high, seems like Christmas is coming early for me

Just smile

What a few weeks it’s been! Kate and Wills are married, Obama has killed Osama and Wigan won a game…. Seriously though, I want to say now I am not going to comment on the Osama incident, this is a blog about acting and I think its best if I keep it that way. I have had messages on previous occasions when there has been some global catastrophe or world event asking me whether I had seen the news. Yes I read the news and yes I am fully aware of what is going on in the world but I am going to stick to what I know and that is acting….

I had lunch with my agent a few weeks back, which was nice. She allayed my fears about being dropped and assured me that it was only a matter of time before something comes along and they were all really pleased with the feedback they’d been getting. I wish the feedback could have been a touch more positive and they had actually gone that little bit further and given me the job, but one step at a time I suppose.

When I turned up to meet her I had made sure to look the best I could without it looking like I had tried too hard. I also had planned all the issues I wanted to raise as I know these social meets may be a rarity. When I saw the menu I was immediately drawn to the fish finger sandwich and chips but conceded that would not be a wise choice for a young ambitious health conscious actress, sigh. As I perused the options of lentils, beans, leaves and general rabbit food I found it increasingly difficult to pick anything appetising. At that point she told me I had to try the fish finger sandwich as it was amazing. I knew I liked her. This was the first time I had seen her since she signed me in January and although we have regular email contact its nice to meet in person.

We discussed how it was going, what the plan was etc. We also agreed that the sooner I get new headshots the better. They have been booked in for Friday and I pray to god it works out. I am also going to Cannes this year. My boyfriend is working out there and I am going along for the ride. I was dreading “net working”, as I would be doing it solo and I always find it a struggle but thankfully she told me not to worry about that. Everyone is out there for their own projects so she just told me to enjoy myself, always look nice, smile a lot and see what happens. Sounds good to me!

I have had a few good auditions since I last wrote and they have all gone really well. They’re all for big stuff and great roles but alas it seems that it’s just not happening at the moment. But I am hanging in there. I think a few days dressing up and smiling in Cannes will help immensely!

Must. Stay. Calm

It’s been a long week to say the least. I am waiting to hear back from the TV audition and it’s killing me! I’m not usually this impatient, you get used to the waiting, you have to, but I just can’t seem to get this gig out of my mind. I even dreamt about it the other night, it’s literally driving me mental. I have also made the error of telling people.

When you are asked constantly by what seems like everyone what you are “working on” at the moment, it always feels crap to say nothing. So I usually say I’m waiting to hear back from several great auditions, so fingers crossed. And that’s enough. But this time I have told them all about this gig. So now I am constantly reminded of my early confidence and excitement which seems to be diminishing by the day.

I had some other news regarding the trailer I did for the new horror flick filming this year. The girl in it with me who was the lead has been replaced by an American actress who is well-known over the waters. This is great in terms of the movie, they are getting the financial backing and it’s obviously going to be a big release, but very disappointing for the other actress. She was great and became a good friend. But she was realistic about it from the beginning; she had the lead role so it was always likely to go to someone who would pull in the audience.

I contacted the producers about my role and at the moment it would appear I am safe. I don’t have a large part, although it is a nice character, so wouldn’t necessarily need to be a big name. I am not completely unknown in America so I am still in with a chance. This would be a big deal for me. The film is going for worldwide release in all cinemas and the script is really good so I am certain it would be a hit. But this is another thing where I mustn’t get carried away and try to forget about it.

With all these “maybe’s” going on it is hard not to get swept up with it all. I can’t help but feel like I am at the turning point, that this year, any moment now, it’s all going to come together. As exciting as it is, it’s also terrifying. What if nothing comes through? If all the auditions I’m waiting to hear back on come to nothing? Do I have the strength to start over again with new hopes? I think so, I have to, but jeeze it seems to be getting harder by the day.

I have a meeting with the agent on Friday to discuss my progress and basically have a catch up which is good and either way by then I will know about the TV job, so we can go from there with what’s next. Fingers crossed it’ll be something well paid, glamorous and hot!

We’re pleased to tell you the bad news

Not a great deal of news. The theatre audition which caused much dread and endless nights of doing Shakespeare in front of the mirror was a no. Well I never actually heard a no I just received an email telling me the “exciting” news of the winners! Me not being one of them. I guess that’s a more positive spin on receiving just a no….

The TV audition went well, as they always seem to. I turned up with a fairly small bit of dialogue prepared and the casting director said he was desperate to get me involved so gave me some more to read. Not as desperate as me I thought!

I had my appraisal at my day job and received a letter saying they were “pleased” to tell me my salary was staying the same. I’m not sure if that qualifies as a positive spin or rather a typo; either way it did not bring any happiness. When I was asked what my goals were for next year I thought, Hollywood, LA, Broadway, west end, any thing that’s not here, but when I opened my mouth I said to learn more and progress my way up the company. Best bit of acting I did all week.

So the blues kicked in. No pay rise, no acting jobs and a lack of auditions I was ready to head home and wallow. Then I got an invite to a screening of a horror promo I shot last year and it was brilliant. The event had no red carpet but we (the “stars” of the flick) were treated as if there was. The promo looked great, I had to do an American accent and it was the first time I had heard myself on-screen and I was convinced. There were a couple of words here and there that may have given away my true nationality but nothing a voice coach couldn’t correct. We had the usual after screening drinks and natter and I managed to “work the room” quite well. The exec producer was there and by the end of the night I think I had well and truly ingrained myself into his memory so hopefully when the money comes through to make the feature he will take me with it!

I have another theatre audition coming up at the weekend with quite an interesting script so that could be promising.  I do think as we are now approaching April it’s really time I got something. I will be hitting Cannes this year and plan to make the most of that venture. Mainly sunning during the day and “networking” in the evening…. I know, it can be tough.

Surround yourself with success and hopefully you’ll get some!

The headshots have been done and….. they’re not great. Well I thought they were ok but knew that they needed to be more than ok and I needed to have more than just a handful to choose from. So I showed them to my boyfriend who said he didn’t really love any but preferred the ones when I was serious. I then showed them to my dad who said he didn’t really love any but preferred the ones when I was smiling. So that was great. I spoke to mum too but mainly because I knew she would say she loved them all, god bless her. So I am sending them off to the agent to see what she thinks. Although I can pretty much assume that I will be writing another cheque to someone else by the end of the month, sigh. I really hate the whole headshot thing, they’re so subjective, who can tell what’s best? Should the shots be saying something about your personality? Saying what type of person you are and what you might be like to work with? Should they be a blank canvas to show that you could adapt to any role? Or should they focus on your cast type and say “this is the type of character I play well”? Who knows. You can guarantee though what one person will love another will hate.

So after a fairly flat afternoon on Friday I decided to head into Soho and cheer myself up with a drink or three. Ended up being a rather fab night, which is surprising for Soho. It’s not my favourite place to be honest, but I always seem to end up there, largely due to the fact that my boyf works smack bang in the middle of it. I saw a celeb – I guess you could say he is fairly up there, not A list but def B list. Although I think that’s just England, not sure if he has hit it state side yet. Anyway, after a few drinks I knew I had to get a picy with him, not just for me but for one of my closest friends who loves all that stuff! Anyway, as I totter over it turns out he is chatting to a good friend of mine and I notice just in time to make it look like I was going over to see him and it was just a coincidence that this “celeb” was there. I ended up getting opinions on my headshots and giving him some career advice!! He used to be a singer and is now branching into acting. It was great, I kinda left feeling like the “celeb” myself as this star said he loved the stuff I was in and would be grateful of any tips I could give him. Brilliant. Then I set off to meet my brother and his girlfriend who are both on fire at the moment. He has just got a promotion and a pay rise and he’s lovely girlfriend has not only been promoted but now has her own assistant!!! I mean that’s pretty good going, what a power couple. I wanted the night to go on longer than everyone else did though and after pleading with literally everyone to stay out I had to admit defeat and head home.

I had a good weekend, I went to the theatre to watch the company I worked with last year, new show. It was interesting, the acting was great and the direction was tight but the story kinda lost me. It was ambitious, the play was adapted from five plays into one, and I think it may have been a case of three plays too many. But it was a nice night with the actors after; they were all willing to chat about the show and share opinions. It was press night when we went and I happened to sit next to the woman who had slated our play last year. I didn’t know until after and I think that was probably for the best. Thankfully there was no yawning or fidgeting on my part that may have distracted her. I’m guessing she’ll be negative though, I’m assuming she is a failed actress. Hiss…… I also went to the cinema and watched Black Swan, wow, what a film! I won’t go into a full on critique as there are professionals out there who would review it much better than I but, I thought it was amazing. Very dark and at times hard to watch but mesmerising. It was slightly tainted by the alarmingly noisy audience, I mean it really was unbelievable! Conversations, sweet wrappers, drinks opening, laughing at really random moments… I want to go again but to a much smaller cinema, may be more expensive but totally worth it.

So another week and a positive attitude. Agent has the headshots so no doubt I will hear from her shortly and decide what to do for the best. I am doing lots of gym work in the mean time though, forgot to mention that at the last audition I was probably the fattest one there and because I will never give up on my carbs I am going to have to do a hell of a lot of exercise instead.

They’re awful… but for godsake don’t tell anyone!

So I decided to ask my agent for advice regarding the photographer and to be honest I wasn’t a major fan of any of the ones she suggested, which puts me in a bit of a pickle. I have asked her for her advice, she has given it to me and now I want to ignore it…. Mmm, now I won’t be getting the pics done for at least a month so she may well have forgotten the email by then but still it’s annoying. I’m sure she won’t be fussed who I go with as long as they are decent pictures but I don’t want it to seem like a think I know better… but…. Wowsers, there are so many added stresses to moving agents that you don’t think about. With my old agent I would have simply told her that I didn’t really like the look of the photographers and that would have been fine. I’m sure it’d be the same case with this one but I think it’s a little too early to push my luck, especially as I haven’t made her any money yet. But then again I should really be saying she hasn’t made me any yet. This actually fits in quite nicely to the question of the week I was posted on my last entry “What is the craziest blunder you’ve ever heard an agent doing—something that cost him or her their job and (probably) their self-esteem?”

Now I have been fairly lucky to be honest, when it comes to agents. I started off in a co-op, which is effectively an agency run by actors. We all take it in turns to be in the office and act as the agent when we are not working and this is a great way to start out. I learnt a lot about casting directors and the process of auditions. Then my last agent was fab, very personal and honest with me, and now I’m with one of the big boys and so I don’t think, or at least I hope, I won’t experience any mishaps.

There was one instance when I was made to audition for a play which required me to sing. I CANNOT SING. I was very surprised that I was still advised to go as I think sending a client up for a meet when they are just unsuitable for the job does more harm than good. There are certain circumstances when it is good to go for a job even if you’re not convinced you’re completely right for the part, to meet the director or team involved but I think when you are just going to be crap you really shouldn’t. Anyway I painfully made my way through a Dylan song, thought as he isn’t exactly known for his beautiful voice this could be the best bet. Needless to say I did not get recalled and neither have I since heard from said director. This I think was more of a faux pas on my part; I think I should have just said no. There was also another time when I had done a really good audition and the director asked me to smile so they could see my teeth and for some reason I pulled the widest smile ever, so much so that even if I had had normal teeth it would have looked weird. Didn’t get a call back for that either. It’s funny sometimes the way you behave in an audition, it’s as though you suddenly lose all common sense and have no control over what you are actually doing and saying. I have on far too many occasions left an audition or a meet and thought “what the hell was that?!?”

I know the question was related to agent blunders as oppose to actor blunders, but actors are so wary of bad mouthing anyone, especially agents, that you don’t really here of blunders often. Honestly it really is a cutthroat business, any slight against someone, especially someone who bitches about someone else, is a no go. This reminds me of my first job actually which, looking back on now, was quite frankly wrong on so many levels. I wasn’t a member of equity then, I doubt they would have hired me if I was! Anyway, it was for a touring show and during the rehearsal stage we were to be staying at the director’s house (alarm bells should have sounded here) and we were to be paid 50 a week………… yes that’s right 50 a week, not per day, which is still below minimum wage, but per week. Anyway this was my first job and I was all excited so was prepared to let it go but I have advice, quite right at the time, to email them about the money situation. Now I worded the email very carefully, I didn’t just say ‘you’re not paying enough’, I said something along the lines of due to the low pay during rehearsals would it be possible for me to get some evening or weekend work whilst I am up there to help support me. Reasonable enough but as soon as I pressed send my tummy knotted a little. Well I waited for the contract to arrive and it didn’t. I called and they said it was in the post and when I called for the third time one of them finally had the balls to tell me that there had been a mix up in the casting and I wasn’t right for the part. I was devastated. Of course it was all rubbish, there hadn’t been a mistake they just didn’t want to pay more money and as they knew they didn’t have a leg to stand on they decided to cut me off instead. It actually resulted in them asking me two weeks later to reconsider, the girl they had given it to had gotten pregnant so wouldn’t be able to do the whole run. There was no pay rise and no apology but I took the role. I don’t regret it, it was a wonderful experience but I will never work with that company again and anyone I know who thinks of doing so I will warn them in advance, but then I didn’t make a point of bad mouthing them either. You never know who may know who and there is always the risk of there being a connection you wish there wasn’t. I know this post has gone off on a bit of a tangent but still all relevant, when it comes to blunders and general fcuk ups they unfortunately are not always made too public. I guess it’s a case of some things are better left unsaid, if someone is crap sooner or later it’ll come out. We hope!

Time to deliver?

So it has been a wonderful start. I have had three auditions already, one for a period drama, one for a comedy sitcom and one for a theatre tour. All jobs I would love and all for lead roles. It’s amazing what a difference there is. Before, January had always been a quiet month for me; whilst the industry kicks into the New Year etc etc, but suddenly I am off! I have a meeting next week with the commercial department, I now have a separate agent for commercials and voice over’s. It’s still all very exciting and I am loving the standard of auditions but at the same time the panic has also set in. How long do I have before I need to get a job? What if I don’t get one quick enough and I get dropped? It’s so frustrating how you can never seem to completely relax and enjoy the moment. Now I have this amazing agent, I have only technically been with her for two weeks and I am already feeling the pressure of getting a job. Bearing in mind that the auditions were only last week so there probably hasn’t even been a decision yet! I need to breathe, stay calm and relax, or else I need a large glass of wine and some serious therapy. Wow, I am so headed for rehab… how exciting!