If after the 100th time you don’t succeed…..

“Acting is everybody’s favourite 2nd job” Jack Nicholson said that. I wonder where he was in his career when he made that comment. Working at a bar? Temping? …. I wish I could say something as light right now.

At the moment I am in a little bit of a hole. I actually googled “how to stop yourself from quitting acting”. A few sites came up but not many. I think the general consensus is quit. At least that’s what most actors would say. Cut down the competition. I can’t say I get too upset when I hear that someone I know has decided to call it a day. Selfish? Probably, but there are too many of us out there, something like 10,000 students graduate from drama schools every year, how is that fair?!

I guess to be successful you must have a strong desire not to quit! I don’t really quit things, although I did give up on piano quite quickly, but most kids do that, I don’t think that really counts. It takes more courage to see something through to the end than to start something new, and what would I start anyway? Teaching has always been an option, but to be honest I think I’d be one of those teachers that secretly resents all those with promise and does their best to sabotage. I remember when I left uni one tutor (who I subsequently found out had attempted an acting career) told me that I wouldn’t get anywhere without drama school so I should really just forget it. I think I’d turn out like her, and that’s not fun.

So unless it wasn’t obvious already I heard yet another no. The TV job that I felt I was so right for and the audition which I totally nailed was not meant to be. They went in another direction…. I am trying to focus on the positives. It was a good meet….. I had an audition…. perhaps there is something even bigger round the corner that would have clashed with it…. Yeah, it’s not easy staying positive. I actually found out the no whilst I was at my office job and it was a real struggle not to cry. That would have been embarrassing.

I went home and had a pizza, and even that didn’t help. Wowsers you know it’s bad when food doesn’t help.

So I have to pick myself up again and move onto the next. Mum actually compared it to football. When a team loses a match they have to forget about it and focus on the next. I guess that would make me Wigan…. shudder.

Must. Stay. Calm

It’s been a long week to say the least. I am waiting to hear back from the TV audition and it’s killing me! I’m not usually this impatient, you get used to the waiting, you have to, but I just can’t seem to get this gig out of my mind. I even dreamt about it the other night, it’s literally driving me mental. I have also made the error of telling people.

When you are asked constantly by what seems like everyone what you are “working on” at the moment, it always feels crap to say nothing. So I usually say I’m waiting to hear back from several great auditions, so fingers crossed. And that’s enough. But this time I have told them all about this gig. So now I am constantly reminded of my early confidence and excitement which seems to be diminishing by the day.

I had some other news regarding the trailer I did for the new horror flick filming this year. The girl in it with me who was the lead has been replaced by an American actress who is well-known over the waters. This is great in terms of the movie, they are getting the financial backing and it’s obviously going to be a big release, but very disappointing for the other actress. She was great and became a good friend. But she was realistic about it from the beginning; she had the lead role so it was always likely to go to someone who would pull in the audience.

I contacted the producers about my role and at the moment it would appear I am safe. I don’t have a large part, although it is a nice character, so wouldn’t necessarily need to be a big name. I am not completely unknown in America so I am still in with a chance. This would be a big deal for me. The film is going for worldwide release in all cinemas and the script is really good so I am certain it would be a hit. But this is another thing where I mustn’t get carried away and try to forget about it.

With all these “maybe’s” going on it is hard not to get swept up with it all. I can’t help but feel like I am at the turning point, that this year, any moment now, it’s all going to come together. As exciting as it is, it’s also terrifying. What if nothing comes through? If all the auditions I’m waiting to hear back on come to nothing? Do I have the strength to start over again with new hopes? I think so, I have to, but jeeze it seems to be getting harder by the day.

I have a meeting with the agent on Friday to discuss my progress and basically have a catch up which is good and either way by then I will know about the TV job, so we can go from there with what’s next. Fingers crossed it’ll be something well paid, glamorous and hot!

Know your audience!

Theatre audition was a nightmare!! I went to a friend’s house warming party the night before and I had planned to get the last train home but obviously I missed it so I had to sleep there. Now when I say sleep I mean to lie in the spare bedroom with a pillow over my head trying desperately to block out the thud of the bass of the 90′s classics. My brother also ended up in the bed with me so I was really glad that I’d decided to stay….

After a little over two hours sleep I made my way to the audition, it was a Sunday so I’m sure I wasn’t the only one a little worse for wear arriving. I turn up early and just about manage to keep my eyes open. I do a fairly coherent reading considering, but I am not expecting the call to come through any time soon.

I had debated whether to go at all but I pulled it off and it’s always good to meet new faces. Took me at least a day to get over that night, clearly not as young as I used to be!

Then yesterday I got a recall for the TV job I auditioned for last week!!! SO happy about it. The casting director is a gem, really on my side. When I went for the first audition I hardly had anything to read so he got me to read another character too. I ended up being called back for that part!

I googled the director the night before so I knew a bit of info on him and then on the way to the audition I saw him outside. It was great that I could confidently say hi knowing who he was and introducing myself. I think that went down well. I then had 5 mins to chat with him and one of the producers so I could tell them a little bit about what I’d done etc. And that was all before I’d gone in.

It was because of that they then asked me to prepare for another character as well. Both characters completely contrasted and I nailed both. I also knew that the writers were in the room and were going to have a large part to play in the casting process so it was important to win them over too so to speak. So….. when I was reading the scene I had just been given and therefore not prepared I decided to flatter them a little. It’s a comedy and so during the reading I got the giggles because “it was just so funny”, they loved that. It is funny anyway but I played it up a little and it worked wonders.

There really is no better feeling than leaving an audition and thinking yeah I am ace at this, I totally ruled! Well… I guess getting the job feels pretty good too.

You want to hear that one?

The auditions are over and I can finally relax. It’s always such a nice feeling when they’re done. Each time feels like an exam, you can’t relax because you think you should be revising/practicing and you’re so nervous that you worry you’ll forget everything on the day anyway.

I get to the venue twenty minutes early and the email was quite adamant that you arrive no more than ten minutes before, so I take a walk around the block. This turns into a nightmare as I decide to go over my speeches again and of course I forget both. I suddenly stop dead in my tracks and repeat shit shit shit. Only then do I become aware of the young mum behind me and the little girl with her asking what’s wrong with the strange lady…. Not a brilliant start.

As I walk in there are about thirty girls all waiting, I learn that we were all told the same time and the auditions would be taking place over two hours. We would be called up in groups of five and all get two minutes each. WHAT?!?!?!? I mean call me old-fashioned but that seems ridiculous. Why on earth would you call everyone at once? At least call people in fifteen minute blocks. There will be some who won’t be seen for two hours. This is not on I think and someone should say something. It’s hardly fair on anyone to just…. and then the first lot of names are called, that would be me…. Ah well, couple of hours isn’t too bad, sure they’ll be fine, can always practice a bit more.

So we go up and the girls around me are far too chatty and excited. I really have no time for this so pop into the disabled loo and go over them again. I am fine with the contemporary piece it is the Shakespeare one that is concerning me. It’s not that I am particularly bad at Shakespeare I just never seem to play it quite right. I blame Baz Luhrmann for this and his Romeo and Juliet. Performing Shakespeare in a naturalistic way yes may sound right to the modern audience and certainly feel right but most would say it is not. So I am trying to break away from the naturalistic and perform Will how it was originally intended.

I was doing this in front of my bedroom mirror the previous night and I could see my boyfriends uncertain expression behind me. I immediately stopped and turned and said “before you say anything, I am performing this tomorrow. Anything you say that is a criticism or “constructive” advice is too late. I can’t change it now, it will just throw me and that is not what I need. So do you have anything to say?” He very quickly said no and went back to reading his book….

There is no more I can do as my name is called and I walk in. They ask me which speeches I have chosen, I tell them and then they say “ok great well lets just hear the contemporary one”…. Of course, how did I not know this was going to happen? If you are seeing nearly three hundred people (oh yes, found that out last week, three hundred going in, only five female places) the chances are a Shakespeare piece would come up more than once. You would inevitably get bored with hearing it. The audition went well I just wish I had spent more time on the contemporary speech, but that’s the way it goes sometimes I guess.

I also had a TV audition on Saturday, that was super, speech learnt, straight to camera, done.

To read or not to read?

I have finally got my two monologues together, it took me quite a while to choose them but they had to be right and I now feel happy with the result. I am going for the traditional route, one classical, one modern. The classical being Shakespeare and its one of Ariel’s speeches. It’s a good one and not commonly used.

I am going to point to a book which I found particularly useful with this actually. I tend to avoid mentioning individuals, or specific names, or places of events I am talking about, but feel this is worth sharing. It’s ‘Alternative Shakespeare Auditions for Women’ by Simon Dunmore, a good book which helped me a great deal when I was deciding on my speech. I will stress again that if you are choosing to select your speech from one of these audition books you must make sure you also read the play in full. But this advice is also given along with other pointers in that book… so there, the first and possibly only plug. If you read this Simon, you owe me. BIG.

The modern piece I have actually performed before, quite a few years ago, but I like it and I think it is an excellent contrast to the other speech, so I am set. The decision now is in which order to do the speeches. You are told to prepare two but there is always the possibility that you will only get to do one… so what to do….

The Shakespearean one is certainly more powerful, energy wise it would be hard to evoke so much in the modern one. As with all Will’s speeches it is extremely animated and powerful. However the modern speech is very intimate and subtle and can be quite captivating to listen to. So which one to go for? My slot is towards the end of the day, so I am certain that the auditioners would have seen quite a few auditionees by then so how do I approach this?

Do I storm on with the powerful words of Will and do my best to deliver an original and engaging Shakespearean piece – which is always challenging – or go in understated and natural with the modern text?

To be honest I have absolutely no idea. I have considered asking them, giving them the options and seeing which they would prefer, but perhaps this would be a little too pretentious and they may think, oh bloody hell just get on with it. I think I may try to gauge the vibe when I go on and hopefully the choice will be obvious.

Crikey, I do prefer screen auditions if I’m honest. Straight to camera, piece chosen, direction fairly clear, in out and done. I’m hoping I’ll deliver one and they’ll like it and then ask me to do the other. That’s the thing with having the two contrast so much, they highlight totally different skills. I don’t want to risk not doing one strong enough and them dismissing me before I’m given the chance to show off all I can do.

I haven’t even learnt the lines yet! You’d think it would get easier wouldn’t you??

Always be prepared

So I have an audition coming up next week for the potential of spending a couple of weeks in New York meeting industry people and showcasing work at a top theatre venue. I am extremely excited and 100% want to go. I have to choose two contrasting monologues and this is where I am ill prepared.

I can’t stress how important it is to have monologues ready at your disposal. You should always have a modern piece and classical piece but it’s also nice to have a variety of genres so you can be fully equipped for any sort of performance. It is also vital that you read the play the monologue is from. I can almost guarantee that you will be asked about the play and ultimately why you choose that particular monologue.

Each time I have had to prepare a monologue I have the same moment of panic when I trawl through the internet, audition books and look for something fitting. So here I am once again, slightly panicked and annoyed at myself that during my “resting” period I wasn’t productive and chosen some. It’s not too bad as I have read 100s of plays so there will be some that will work I just have to remind myself. The dilemma I have is what to go for. I would like to go for a dramatic piece and comedic piece but should I stick to the old formula of modern and classical? I can always make one of them comedic and one straight… I have little over a week to research, choose and learn the monologues and nail them. Its fine I have enough time I just wish I had some at my disposal already. But this time I have learnt my lesson I am going to get a collection together – do a bit of a Monica – and have several entries. Comedic, dramatic, modern, classical etc etc.

I have been to the theatre quite a lot lately which is always goods, inspires you to create more and be productive even when you’re waiting for the next gig. All the auditions I have had so far have gone really really well but alas at the moment to no avail. I think because they all went so well I kind of told myself that I was going to get a yes any day so chilled a bit. You can never ever sit back, you have to be constantly researching and practising so you can always be one step ahead, for such eventualities as this current audition. This was a programme I applied to ages ago and had completely forgotten about, and at the time I thought it was a long shot anyway. It’s funny it always seems to be the ones you don’t expect that come through. Whether it’s a bad audition or a job which you feel doesn’t fit you always seem to be surprised.

Well once again I have something to focus on and direct my energy towards, but I must keep the drive going and once this is over strive towards something else rather than just waiting for another audition. I think I am going to set myself the target of reading a certain amount of plays a month at least. This way when the audition is over and the pressure has subsided I won’t be left with nothing and the feeling of being flat and without direction. Mmm, what to read first?

I know you are but what am I?

Agent has got back to me on the photos and she agrees they’re not great; she likes them but doesn’t love them. So I have to arrange for a re shoot. Now it is crucial for me to choose the right photographer, as I can afford one mistake I certainly can’t afford two! What a bummer and annoying that I’m back to square one. Still I will be better prepared this time; my dad was right I definitely need to get my hair done and perhaps even my make up rather than a DIY job. It’s not that I am incapable of making myself look nice, rather that these are important shots so I need to look better than nice. So there we have it, I tried a cheap option and I guess I got what I paid for, so now it’s going to end up being an expensive lesson. Sigh.

Had an audition today for the commercial team. Glad that I have got off the starting blocks with them, was worried that I may have slipped their mind. Not that this was a particularly thrilling day, in fact it was quite embarrassing really, but given my recent events I could really do with the cash. It’s for a drinks campaign and although the majority of it will be photos there is still a certain amount of filming. I had to stand with my face through a hole in the wall and pull over the top faces for the given scenarios. The premise is that a young couple are walking along the sea front and they see one of those walls which has a picture painted with holes cut out to put your face through. So I had to pull a happy face, a sad face, an angry face and so on….Felt like a really poor drama game. The guy filming I know fairly well now as I have been in for this particular casting director a lot and that seems to make it harder. To start with you can’t wait until you get to know everyone, for the day that CD’s and their assistants know your name without checking the paper but then there are times like these when you really wished they didn’t. I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed about it. I just went into a room and in front of someone who I have seen many times over the years and will (hopefully) continue to see, pulled some ridiculous, exaggerated faces and then left. I was so relieved when it was over, I’m not sure whether I really want this gig or not but I couldn’t possibly tell one way or the other how well I did. All I can say for sure is that I felt like a right twit. But the consolation is there were lots and lots of girls waiting to go in, so I won’t be the only idiot that they see today.

Whilst it’s been “quiet” I have been managing other things. Keeping a check on the website, IMDB and other sites that I am a member of. It’s important to always keep active one way or another. I have still got the short films to focus on and I have just been given another script to read so things are ticking over…. a little.

Surround yourself with success and hopefully you’ll get some!

The headshots have been done and….. they’re not great. Well I thought they were ok but knew that they needed to be more than ok and I needed to have more than just a handful to choose from. So I showed them to my boyfriend who said he didn’t really love any but preferred the ones when I was serious. I then showed them to my dad who said he didn’t really love any but preferred the ones when I was smiling. So that was great. I spoke to mum too but mainly because I knew she would say she loved them all, god bless her. So I am sending them off to the agent to see what she thinks. Although I can pretty much assume that I will be writing another cheque to someone else by the end of the month, sigh. I really hate the whole headshot thing, they’re so subjective, who can tell what’s best? Should the shots be saying something about your personality? Saying what type of person you are and what you might be like to work with? Should they be a blank canvas to show that you could adapt to any role? Or should they focus on your cast type and say “this is the type of character I play well”? Who knows. You can guarantee though what one person will love another will hate.

So after a fairly flat afternoon on Friday I decided to head into Soho and cheer myself up with a drink or three. Ended up being a rather fab night, which is surprising for Soho. It’s not my favourite place to be honest, but I always seem to end up there, largely due to the fact that my boyf works smack bang in the middle of it. I saw a celeb – I guess you could say he is fairly up there, not A list but def B list. Although I think that’s just England, not sure if he has hit it state side yet. Anyway, after a few drinks I knew I had to get a picy with him, not just for me but for one of my closest friends who loves all that stuff! Anyway, as I totter over it turns out he is chatting to a good friend of mine and I notice just in time to make it look like I was going over to see him and it was just a coincidence that this “celeb” was there. I ended up getting opinions on my headshots and giving him some career advice!! He used to be a singer and is now branching into acting. It was great, I kinda left feeling like the “celeb” myself as this star said he loved the stuff I was in and would be grateful of any tips I could give him. Brilliant. Then I set off to meet my brother and his girlfriend who are both on fire at the moment. He has just got a promotion and a pay rise and he’s lovely girlfriend has not only been promoted but now has her own assistant!!! I mean that’s pretty good going, what a power couple. I wanted the night to go on longer than everyone else did though and after pleading with literally everyone to stay out I had to admit defeat and head home.

I had a good weekend, I went to the theatre to watch the company I worked with last year, new show. It was interesting, the acting was great and the direction was tight but the story kinda lost me. It was ambitious, the play was adapted from five plays into one, and I think it may have been a case of three plays too many. But it was a nice night with the actors after; they were all willing to chat about the show and share opinions. It was press night when we went and I happened to sit next to the woman who had slated our play last year. I didn’t know until after and I think that was probably for the best. Thankfully there was no yawning or fidgeting on my part that may have distracted her. I’m guessing she’ll be negative though, I’m assuming she is a failed actress. Hiss…… I also went to the cinema and watched Black Swan, wow, what a film! I won’t go into a full on critique as there are professionals out there who would review it much better than I but, I thought it was amazing. Very dark and at times hard to watch but mesmerising. It was slightly tainted by the alarmingly noisy audience, I mean it really was unbelievable! Conversations, sweet wrappers, drinks opening, laughing at really random moments… I want to go again but to a much smaller cinema, may be more expensive but totally worth it.

So another week and a positive attitude. Agent has the headshots so no doubt I will hear from her shortly and decide what to do for the best. I am doing lots of gym work in the mean time though, forgot to mention that at the last audition I was probably the fattest one there and because I will never give up on my carbs I am going to have to do a hell of a lot of exercise instead.

This one is for me

Yesterday was eventful. I had contact with my ex agent which was nice, it was through email and I was so apprehensive about hearing from her, as I consider her a good friend, its nice to have that weight off my mind. She didn’t shut up shop because she had to but more because she wanted to. She has been working consistently for about four years, and that’s with NO holidays, and she was just pretty exhausted. It’s a lot harder to run a smaller agency I think. You don’t have as much support, she ran it pretty much by herself, and I think occasionally the relationship between agent and client can become more demanding. As I mentioned previously I had her mobile number, her home number, her address,,,, ok we were friends first but still, she was pretty much as available to all her clients. That can take its toll, she felt more like a mother than an agent and to be looking after so many “children” when you’re only just in your 30’s would test the best of us. So she is taking time out, she may go back to it or else go down another route but thankfully we are good. Hope to “do lunch” in a few weeks so it’ll be nice to catch up then.

I had my BIG audition. I had been prepping for it as soon as I was sent the script. It was the last thing I thought about when I went to sleep and the first thing I thought of when I woke up. It was probably all over in about four minutes. It was straight to camera so no reaction to gauge from anyone. The girl filming was sweet and helpful but she couldn’t tell me anything, I couldn’t get any sort of feedback as it has absolutely nothing to do with her. She did tell me that she would be sending the tapes over tonight and that they would know in a couple of weeks if it was good news. I had the unfortunate luck of hearing the girl before me. Her accent was pretty solid and her delivery was good but totally different to mine. She had read the character completely differently to me and that threw me. I had to try to block that out, it was distracting although I managed to shake it off and just stick to what I’d prepared. So that’s that. The excitement, prep, nerves and general focus of that is over. I left fairly flat and slightly empty in a way as there was nothing for me to aim towards. As I was sitting in there waiting, there was an actor who was chatting to the main CD about his up and coming trip to LA. He is going out for a month and she began listing off people who he should meet and what he’d be right for. I remember a while back when I was waiting to go in for an audition and the CD came out and chatted to me for a good ten minutes about future projects, and I heard the girl next to me sigh a little. I know how she feels. God it’s so rubbish sometimes, you just want to jump in and say “Hey what about me! You obviously already know that guy come chat to me, I am sure I’d be right for loads!” She told him about a film she was going to be casting in a couple of months but it was a period piece and at the moment she was only focusing on girls. It was almost like a comedy sketch, the only thing missing would have been me actually sitting there in period costume with a bright flashing arrow pointing at me. I spoke to mum and dad last night and they told me about a programme about a ski chalet maid that was coming out that I could have done easily and would have been perfect for. I see parts and think that all the time, I actually avoid watching certain shows that I’m sure I’d love simply because there is a part in it that I could have played.

Urgh, apologies for this rather downbeat and strange mood, it’s a constant battle of emotions really. The doubt is with me today. One minute you are so sure it’s going to happen and that this one could be the one and the next…. well can’t think like that. It’s only February and I’ve already had four really top auditions and even if they don’t result in immediate jobs people are seeing me so it’s all positive.

Well there you go, no post in over a week and then two in two days. I’m not sure who this post was for, you guys or for me, but I do feel a little bit better now. Who needs to spend loads on a therapist when I have you lot to talk to?

Nothing is ever certain

Wow, I have had a severe case of writers block and I figured that instead of rambling on about nothing I would wait until I had something interesting to say. But, I have had no inspiration so…. I guess you’ll just have to settle for some rambling! My headshots are being taken on Friday which is all very exciting, I haven’t had them done in 6 years and you are supposed to get them done every 18 months so should be interesting to see the change. I decided to stick to my guns and go for the photographer I chose as oppose to my agent’s suggestions and I’m feeling good about it. She did know of the photographer and she too liked him so it all worked out. Well, hopefully it will I guess I’ll know after Friday. It’s been fairly quiet other than that. Had no auditions since the first three and was getting a little edgy. But I have one today and it’s a biggie! It’s for an American company who produce loads of great stuff, predominantly sitcoms and I pretty much love all their shows so would be AMAZING. It’s filming in LA and I could certainly use some nice weather! It’s for a lead in a new series and the script is really good. It’ll be going on tape and then sent over. I am relieved I did that teaser trailer a few months back as it really gave me confidence in my American accent. I actually recorded my sides on a tape recorder and listened back, which is a good tip as not only can you listen to your accent but it also gives you the opportunity to really focus on how you say certain things. There were a few times when what I heard out loud was not actually what I thought I was saying as far as the inflection on certain words was concerned. Anyway I have been listening and practicing for the past three days so feel ready to nail it. I hope!

I heard some sad news the other day about my last agent; she has shut her books and is no longer going. It really was a great agency and she was extremely talented so it was really upsetting to hear. I had no idea she was in trouble and felt awful when I heard about it. But that is the nature of the biz, it seems nothing is ever certain, it kind of freaks me a bit to think what might have happened if I hadn’t decided to make the change. But it also goes to show that you can never complete rest on your laurels and think your agent will do it all for you. I have taken on two short films which I got myself through other contacts and although the money is not good the scripts are great, I’ll be working with some very talented people and also, perhaps more importantly, it keeps me practicing. I also had a great meet a week or so back with a friend of a friend who has been writing several different scripts. She has some plays which she has been writing for the past 7 years and also a TV series which is still in production. Apparently she has been trying to contact me for some time now and it’s pure luck that we met up through a mutual friend. So there are lots of things happening, just all in the background at the moment really. I am desperate for things to take off but I need to be patient and although it can be scary times I have to trust in myself and where I am supposed to be headed. I have after all had a slightly unconventional journey thus far, one which many people said wouldn’t get me anywhere, but as the gorgeous Marilyn once said “If I’d observed all the rules I’d never have got anywhere”